This is hard

Ok. There. I said it. This. Is. Hard.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever, it is for no reason other than that there is no computer near me, so I only post when I come to Kisumu. Alas.... here we are.

Everything is going. As the name of this post suggests, THIS IS HARD. Every day. All the time. But, I am settling in to life just fine (I'm pretty good at adjusting quickly)-- I'm learning Dholuo, which amuses people to no end; I can eat ugali like a Kenyan; the bucket baths I mastered in Kitui... so in the sense of living/survival, life is fantastically sweet.

What is so hard? I'm trying to figure it out, and I guess not knowing what exactly is so hard is also hard for me (have I lost you yet?); it's like there's not one specific thing I can work hard to get better at or fix, there is just a general feeling of being a huge let down to my community (already!). I have been invited to and visited tens of community groups of all kinds-- my Baba is kind of pimping me out to all the local groups, which is fine with me (I'm here to help, after all). But, EVERY time, without fail, after we do introductions, in one way or another someone in the group turns to me and says, "So, what do you suggest for our group?" Pause. . . . . what do I suggest about what? "What do you think we should do to make our group better?" Well, I really know nothing about your group, I just met all of you, so it will take a little time for me to identify problems, maybe you can ask me about problems you think your group has? Pause. "Oh, ok, well... we started this poultry farm to try to make money, and it turns out it's really expensive and a lot of work. What should we do to improve our poultry farm?" Hmm... well, I've never done any poultry farming so I really can't give you much advice about your farm...Pause. "Oh. Well... we want to plant cash crops. What should we plant? What do you think?" You get the idea.

I'm realizing that though I am here as a "Public Health Volunteer" (a neat and tidy tittle, if you ask me), because I'm here to help my community in the way that they want and not to force feed them HIV/AIDS information (as important as I think it is to impart that knowledge), if everyone wants to know about making money somehow, then... I need to figure out how to help them figure that out. I'm not limited to the kinds of activities you might picture a "Public Health Volunteer" doing. I'm not limited to teaching people things that I've been trained to teach them. Hell, I get excited at the chance to touch on HIV/AIDS briefly in the context of some other conversation ("I don't know about poultry farming, but poultry farming... is related to farming... which is kind of like "planting seeds"... which makes me think of SEX... which is related to HIV/AIDS?!?! Good! Yes!") When people are worried about providing for 5-10 kids and community elders and cows and goats and chickens, if they can't do that, who am I to say that learning about AIDS is more important? I mean, they are both important because they are both related to survival... but the former seems more like a necessity, relatively speaking.

It has been really hard for me to go to "anti-AIDS" support and self help groups with high hopes of presenting startling stats and doing condom demonstrations, only to have people say, (basically), "Yeah... AIDS is a really big problem. So... how can we make money?" No one is asking me personally for money, which is an improvement (believe it or not), but everywhere I am, I am seen as a way to get money. And I don't really blame them. We're talking about a couple thousand US dollars (MAX) that these community groups need to DRAMATICALLY change the quality of their lives. If I start thinking about the amount of money spent on shoes or hotels or frosting in the US (in my own life, too, surely) and I try to imagine how far the same amount of money would go here... I could just burst in to tears. It's not fair. Is it?

Until my grant writing frenzy begins (I'll get trained in grant writing in December)... I am trying to set little goals... celebrate little victories (lighting my charcoal stove by myself-- WOOOO!) and not be completely overwhelmed by... everything... but, shit. It's overwhelming. Not to mention frustrating, depressing, HARD....

.... and just, wonderful. These people, my Mamas, the kids... are incredible people who have taught me so much already. No matter how hard things are, the thought of leaving them is worlds worse than the thought of facing anything I might have to face (though I am really f-ing scared of the bat that lives in my house, don't ask me why). So... that's good. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? (I've got to make sure that bat doesn't attack me in my sleep.) :)

Anyway, that's the news from Lake Victoriagon... hope all is well in all of your lives.

Thinking of you all always, per usual. Be well. "I know I am!!" (Harry Carry reference, anyone? Will Ferrell fans...? I don't know how to spell his last name, but I really am a fan. Really. Zorgus. borgus. I just got bit by the, love bat... AND IT'S DRIVING ME MADDDD!!")

Take 'er easy.... she's my lady and that's what I said... No? No. Ok. I'm going.

Love,
Hannah